I was speaking to the Holy Spirit last night, and He said “your anxiety is gone”, I didn’t say “Amen” in agreement, I froze. For those of you that don’t know Him, the Holy Spirit is a higher being that can literally make anything come to pass, so why didn’t I say amen ? Didn’t I want to be well, calm and have myself under control?
It was then that I realized the awful truth; I had fallen in love with my brokenness. Anxiety and I had become such close friends that I referred to it as “my anxiety”. I’d say things like “my anxiety only comes when…”, as though I was taking ownership of the illness.
Anxiety makes me feel out of control, as though life is choking me and if I’m being honest I don’t know who I am without this awful feeling of fear and discomfort. However having anxiety seems like the most appropriate response to the pressures of life, I mean how else should I respond to issues, if not illogically. Most times I think my anxiety is justified; certain situations require me to be scared shitless. After escaping a seemingly toxic relationship, thoughts of any form of romantic relationship leaves me panic-stricken and frantic with worry, hence anxiety.
Why didn’t I say “Amen” when it mattered the most?
I think my desire to stay anxious also comes from my fear of change (there I go again taking possession of an illness). Change comes with the unknown and I’d rather be out of control in anxiety, than in the unknown where I have no control and know not what to expect. At least, with anxiety, I know what to expect. You might think this is crazy and wonder if I’ve ever really had an anxiety attack, but I think you should know that I’d pick counting backwards and trying to pace my breath while attempting to take back what little control I have left over the unknown.
I guess it’s great that I’ve come to terms with my fear of change and bond with anxiety, unfortunately I’ve not only admitted to having anxiety, I think I’ve prepared a bed for it and made it feel comfortable.
The Making 